Rediscover Happiness: The Powerful Benefits of Forgiveness
Rediscover Happiness: The Powerful Benefits of Forgiveness
Over the past few months, we have been exploring the steps of the Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom's (FDCW) 16 guidelines series in relation to the important aspects of “How we think” including Humility, Patience, Contentment and Delight and “How we act”, including Kindness, Honesty, Generosity and Right Speech. Last month we started to delve into "How we relate" with "Respect" and this month we are rediscovering happiness with the powerful benefits of "Forgiveness".
Introduction: The Underrated Power of Forgiveness
In today's world, rife with complexities and interconnectedness, forgiveness emerges as an indispensable skill for achieving mental and emotional equilibrium. Forgiveness is a selfless act, forgiving someone is actually doing something for someone else, it’s altruistic, you’re forgiving them. The concept of forgiveness goes beyond an act of kindness towards another; it is also an act of kindness to oneself.
“Forgiveness is the capacity to reclaim our peace of mind when something has happened to disturb us. As we go through life it is inevitable that we are going to hurt one another. In fact, as our world becomes more complex and interconnected, the opportunities for conflict increase. We have the choice whether to respond to these hurts and conflicts with anger and bitterness, or with forgiveness.”
16 Guidelines for Life - The Basics (2009) by Alison Murdoch and Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw
This article aims to delve into the nuanced facets of forgiveness, from its cultural and spiritual roots to its far-reaching physical health benefits. Whether you are on a path towards reconciliation, personal healing, or a deeper understanding of this age-old virtue, we aim to offer some illuminating insights. After all, forgiveness isn't just a momentary decision but a continuous, transformative journey towards peace and enlightenment.
The Deep-Rooted Psychology of Forgiveness
The American Psychological Association offer the following definition of Forgiveness from a psychological perspective:
“Forgiveness involves willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed you in some way. Forgiveness is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry. Rather, it involves a voluntary transformation of your feelings, attitudes, and behavior, so that you are no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the person who wronged you.”
Choosing to forgive is a powerful act of self-liberation. Just as you decide to hold onto negative emotions such as bitterness, resentment, or feelings of anger, you also have the freedom to choose to let go. Making this choice is akin to unburdening yourself from a heavy weight you've been carrying. It’s a conscious step away from a past full of negative feelings, and toward a future where your psychological peace isn’t held hostage by others. When you forgive, you reclaim your peace of mind, echoing the insightful words from the 16 Guidelines for Life - The Basics: "We have the choice whether to respond to these hurts and conflicts with anger and bitterness, or with forgiveness."
The wisdom of Desmond Tutu offers a remarkable lens through which we can further understand forgiveness. Tutu, who lived through the extreme racial prejudices of apartheid in South Africa, emphasised the profound relationship between forgiveness and freedom. He argued that forgiveness is the path that leads from a world of endless suffering and retaliation to one of reconciliation and healing. According to Tutu, forgiveness is not just an altruistic act but a necessity for community cohesiveness and inner tranquillity. His teachings remind us that forgiving isn't just about the other person—it's about freeing yourself from the clutches of lingering bitterness and making room for compassion and happiness.
As we continue to explore the many dimensions of emotional forgiveness, remember that it's a journey, not just for those who seek to forgive but also for those who wish to be unshackled from the burdens of resentment and anger.
Why is Forgiving Not the Same as Forgetting?
One of the most pervasive misconceptions surrounding emotional forgiveness is the idea that to forgive is to forget. This notion is not only misleading but also dismisses the complex psychological and ethical aspects of what it means to truly forgive. Scientific studies, show that emotional forgiveness and forgetting are separate cognitive and emotional processes. In essence, the process of forgiveness is not a deletion of memory but a transformation of its emotional impact.
Forgiving while retaining the lesson learned is a powerful ethical stance. It allows us to navigate the complexities of human relationships (including abusive relationships) and societal structures with wisdom. When you forgive, you consciously choose to let go of the hold that anger and resentment have on your well-being. Yet, you do not discard the lesson that the experience has imparted.
The life and activism of Desmond Tutu offer a vivid example of this principle in action. Tutu, who fought against the appalling injustices of apartheid, understood the magnitude of the path of forgiveness in community building and social transformation. He did not forget the oppression and the atrocities, but he chose to forgive as a means to move forward. Tutu’s legacy instructs us that we can hold onto the lessons of the past—the good and the bad—without allowing them to perpetuate cycles of anger and retribution.
The Health and Well-being Benefits of True Forgiveness
In the ever-evolving landscape of secular ethics, true forgiveness isn't merely a moral virtue; it's a pathway to enhanced well-being and improved mental health. A growing body of scientific research, including a study by Toussaint, Worthington, and Williams (2015), reveals that the act of emotional forgiveness has far-reaching implications for our physical and mental health. The study shows that people who forgive tend to have lower levels of stress hormones, lower blood pressure, and a healthier heart rate compared to those who hold onto grudges.
But emotional forgiveness does more than just promote physical well-being. It's a liberating emotional and psychological exercise that fosters inner peace, lowers anxiety, and boosts happiness. The 16 Guidelines for Life stress this point clearly. The chapter on forgiveness reminds us that by reclaiming our peace of mind, we are making an active choice to not be consumed by bitterness or anger. This emotional freedom contributes to a deeper, more enduring sense of happiness and emotional well-being.
Remember, forgiveness is not just good for the soul; it's good for the body and mind too. So, let's make the proactive choice to embrace forgiveness in our lives. It's not just ethical; it's essential.
Forgiveness as a Social Tool: Healing and Rebuilding Communities
In the realm of secular ethics, forgiveness takes on a transformative role that extends beyond individual healing to encompass collective restoration. Seeds of Hope serves as a living testament to this idea: Anne Gallagher, a former nurse from Belfast, has witnessed the horrors of The Troubles from both a professional and personal standpoint. After nursing victims from both sides of the conflict and experiencing personal loss, including the death of her brother Dominic, she founded Seeds of Hope. This organisation uses storytelling through various mediums like music, art, drama, writing, and sport to facilitate healing and understanding. By creating a non-judgmental space for people to share their stories, Seeds of Hope aims to transform individual narratives into a collective story that sows the seeds of hope and reconciliation. The impactful work of Seeds of Hope has now expanded to prisons, schools, and communities in Sweden, Belgium, and the USA.
This communal aspect of forgiveness aligns beautifully with the principles of restorative justice, a holistic approach to conflict resolution that places an emphasis on dialogue, accountability, and ultimately, healing. Restorative justice doesn't just seek to assign blame or punishment; it aims to restore the dignity and wholeness of all parties involved.
When we embrace forgiveness as individuals, the ripple effect can bring about remarkable transformations in our communities. Imagine a world where the act of forgiving is not just a personal choice but a societal norm. Forgiveness, when understood and applied collectively, serves as a powerful social tool capable of breaking cycles of resentment and hostility. By embedding forgiveness in the core of our communities, we're not just making an ethical statement; we're laying the groundwork for a more harmonious, equitable future for all.
Practical Steps to Cultivate Forgiveness
Cultivating forgiveness is an ongoing journey, one that demands active participation and a willingness to confront our own vulnerabilities. Inspired by the 16 Guidelines for Life, let's delve into some actionable steps and exercises, akin to the enriching challenges presented in FDCW workshops.
Identify the Blockages: First, identify what is keeping you from forgiving. Is it pride, fear, or a sense of injustice? This awareness is the first step toward letting go.
Exercise: List down three incidents where you found it difficult to forgive. Write down what emotion was the strongest barrier to your forgiveness. Reflect on it.
Humanise, Don't Demonise: Understand that everyone makes mistakes. Humanising the person you're trying to forgive can make the process easier.
Challenge: For one week, every time you get upset at someone, try to think of a positive quality that the person possesses.
Self-Compassion: Forgiveness starts with forgiving oneself. Show yourself the same compassion you aim to offer others.
Exercise: Recall an incident where you couldn't forgive yourself. Use mindfulness techniques to reframe this memory, focusing on what you learned from it.
Role of Mindfulness: Mindfulness allows us to become aware of our thoughts and feelings, an indispensable skill when it comes to forgiveness. It can help us become aware of the narratives we tell ourselves, giving us the chance to rewrite them.
Challenge: Spend 5-10 minutes each day practising mindfulness meditation, focusing on an incident you are struggling to forgive. Observe your thoughts without judgment.
Open Dialogue: If appropriate and safe, having an open dialogue with the person you're trying to forgive can sometimes bring closure.
Exercise: Draft a letter to the person you want to forgive. You don't have to send it; the act of articulating your feelings is therapeutic in itself.
Celebrate Progress: Forgiveness is a process. Celebrate small victories; each step forward is progress.
Challenge: Keep a forgiveness journal. Record instances where you successfully practised forgiveness and how it made you feel.
Incorporating mindfulness and self-awareness allows for deeper insight into both our actions and reactions, facilitating a more authentic and transformative experience of forgiveness. Just like in FDCW's workshops, challenging ourselves to break out of our comfort zones is where real growth happens.
Making the conscious choice to cultivate forgiveness, is not just an ethical virtue, but a life-enhancing, practical skill. The journey may be long and filled with challenges, but the rewards—peace, happiness, and stronger communities—are more than worth the effort.
Conclusion: Creating a Ripple Effect of Forgiveness and Compassion
As we come to the close of this exploration into forgiveness, let's take a moment to reflect on its profound significance. From enhancing mental and emotional well-being to fostering social harmony, the benefits of forgiveness are not just individual but collective. It is both an act of self-compassion and a powerful tool for mending frayed relationships and communities.
Forgiveness is not merely an abstract concept but a practical skill, one that has been championed by thought leaders like Desmond Tutu. It dovetails with the teachings you'll find in FDCW’s 16 Guidelines for Life, offering real-world applications that can transform not only your life but also the lives of those around you.
“Transformation begins in you, wherever you are, whatever has happened, however you are suffering. Transformation is always possible. We do not heal in isolation. When we reach out and connect with one another—when we tell the story, name the hurt, grant forgiveness, and renew or release the relationship—our suffering begins to transform.”
Desmond Tutu, The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World
So, what's the next step? Take a look at FDCW’s free resources. Experience this transformation for yourself and watch as the ripple effect of your actions extends far beyond your individual sphere, creating a more compassionate, empathic, and harmonious world. Make forgiveness an active part of your ethical and emotional toolkit. The journey starts with a single step—a step towards understanding, acceptance, and ultimately, peace.
Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW)
At FDCW we are committed to a more compassionate, wiser world. We provide resources, courses and training to develop qualities such as kindness, patience and honesty - qualities which are essential for meeting the challenges of the world we all share.
The Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW) was established as a global charity based in London in 2005. Since then we have provided secular training, programmes and resources across many sectors of society – schools, universities, hospices, workplaces, healthcare, youth groups and community centres. Our courses have reached thousands of people across the world through our dedicated and growing network of facilitators in more than 20 countries.
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