How we relate to others
“We must learn to live together as brothers, or perish together as fools.”
It is a simple fact, whether we like it or not, that we cannot get by on our own. Take a look at the act of eating breakfast. Half-asleep, or in a rush to get to work on time, it is easy to forget the people behind the scenes who make our existence possible. Whether it is the farmer who grew the seed for our bread, the engineer who enables the water for our tea, or the van driver who supplied the shop: our connections with others are endless. If we pursue the matter to its logical conclusion, we find that we are linked to every being on the planet, past, present and future.
Our tendency to overlook or ignore these infinite connections is not only unrealistic, but a major obstacle to happiness. There is a deep rooted inclination to see ourselves as separate individuals who have worked hard to be 'self-sufficient' and 'independent'. Advertising slogans give the message that it is OK to be self-centred, to 'look after No. 1' and to prioritise our own needs and concerns. At school or at work, on the TV and in the newspapers, we are encouraged to compete rather than to collaborate. The result is often isolation, loneliness, anxiety and depression.
9 - Respect: To honour people with a deeper understanding and experience of life, especially our elders
Everyone wants and needs respect. It is a pre-requisite for human beings to relate to each other in a positive and constructive way. Respect acknowledges that we have the same basic needs, whether physical, psychological or spiritual, and that other people’s experience and wisdom can be helpful to us.
All around us there are people we can respect and learn from, if we choose to do so, and if we have the necessary humility. Respect is something that we have to give rather than to demand. How do we choose the people we respect? What effect will this have on our lives? How can respect contribute to a happy life?
10 - Forgiveness: To let go of resentment and anger towards ourselves and others
Forgiveness is the capacity to reclaim our peace of mind when something has happened to disturb us. As we go through life it is inevitable that we are going to hurt one another. In fact, as our world becomes more complex and interconnected, the opportunities for conflict increase. We have the choice whether to respond to these hurts and conflicts with anger and bitterness, or with forgiveness.
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. It does not mean that we gloss over the harm that has taken place, or pretend that it never happened. What it does is to allow us to let go of the destructive attitudes towards the past that imprison us and the person who harmed us in a cycle of recrimination and guilt. When our desire for reconciliation and peace is stronger than our anger, disappointment or pain, then forgiveness offers the opportunity to make a new start.
11 - Gratitude: To acknowledge and repay the kindness of others
Gratitude celebrates our connections with other beings and our capacity to offer mutual support. It is a form of openness and generosity that strengthens relationships and heals tension, resentment and anger. Gratitude calls us to strip away unnecessary complexities, and to be simple and natural with each other. It brings peace and harmony.
Gratitude is grounded in the wisdom which accepts that we are neither independent nor self-sufficient, but part of an extraordinary continuum of events and beings on this planet. It encourages us to welcome reality, rather than to fight it – both what seems good, and what seems bad. Learning to appreciate every single thing that happens as a potential source of insight and growth is one of the key ingredients for a happy life.
12 - Loyalty: To be good-hearted and dependable in all our relationships
When life is going well, it’s easy to forget that change happens in an instant. It is the nature of the universe. In an uncertain world, a sense of loyalty and mutual responsibility is often the glue that holds families and friendships together. It can be the lifeline that helps us to feel safe and supported and enables us to function well.
We all want to be accepted for who we are. Not for what we can buy, what we look like or who we know. When we cannot rely on the loyalty of each other, there is anxiety and insecurity, loneliness and heartbreak.
